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first day back….

Wow….

I felt like I was living the nightmare of technical errors this morning. Computers weren’t loading, passwords/user names weren’t working, and it was pure chaos.

I’m hoping tomorrow will be better, because today was rough.

My main struggle was the baby….. She’ll be 3 in November and she does not understand she can’t be in the school working space.

I’m sure things will get easier. I hope so.

School day 38?

Its a lazy  Sunday or it should be, I’m trying to come up with a meal plan for lunches & dinners for this week as well as get worksheets and lesson plans aligned. I would print them out for the month but some how they always get damaged and such.

Budgeting budgeting budgeting….

Its already time to start planning christmas.

 

10/19

We have about a week left in our first six week block. Everyone is going great and Caitlan will be starting an accelerated reading program http://www.bookadventure.com/Home.aspx next 6 weeks and Courtlin will be starting GA history.

We tried Readingeggs.com but the instructions come across confusing to the kids so I doubt we will incorporate it into our day to day lessons.

Monday….

We didn’t homeschool today, as our Fall break started last thursday and ends today.   My to-do list is slowly getting whittled down.

  • clean stairs
  • bathrooms
  • finish up laundry

 

I did manage to go to the grocery store today. I say manage because I HIGHLY DISLIKE driving and absolutely hate driving when its rainy out.  I’m debating on so many things right now in my mind.

 

Bloody Monday

😑

I usually go grocery shopping on Friday mornings but lately I’ve been mega lazy and put it off as long as possible. Well today it bit me in the butt. 4 moody grumpy Kids accompanied me. I think I forgot 1/3 of what we needed as I always end up leaving my list and it’s not practical to be staring at my phone whilst trying to shop 😫

Flash forward 2 hours later and $200; still need spaghetti noodles….. the house is a wreck and we are just getting started on school work. I’m tired. 💯

Day 10/11

I have the sneaking suspicion that I’ve already lost count! Good thing I made up our calendar previously.

Our main struggle has been finding balance. Georgia requires homeschooling students to receive 4.5 hours of educational instruction for 180 calendar days.

So we start every morning at 8 am. So we are at least done by 2 pm. Then there is chores etc.

This is me

We live in a pine colored split level house with faux white storm shutters;Exposed building blocks where we need to apply some stone veneers. With an addition to the basement that will some day be a bedroom, maybe.

A poplar grove has pretty much taking back over the back yard, so much so you can’t see the house from the road as you ride up. The grass is thigh-high because our riding mower took a shit and still hasn’t been fixed. I can’t push mow the field all summer.

Cars parked neatly in a row with an array of child outdoor toys strewn between the parking area and the porch. With a few stray candy wrappers and water bottles. The front lawn needs mowed.

I can track the season by how the sun light comes through the kitchen windows in the morning. Fall is fast approaching, and that odd sense of panic has overtaken me. With each changing season I feel this insidious anxiety. Not entirely sure why but I’m sure it has something to do with lost moments.

Every morning it’s one of the same breakfasts that rotate, it’s school work then chores. Before I really have time to catch my breath it’s time for dinner and baths. I know they say to treasure everything but the monotony of day to day life is both underwhelming and overwhelming.

The noise is constant until it’s not. There is always a trash bag to be changed out, laundry to be swapped over, or some other mundane task that has became my life.

I want to go and do but the anxiety of messing up my budget keeps me in a strangle hold. In reality it would cost me more money than I made to go to work right now. So I have another 3 years before I can even consider returning to the work force. I’ll be 37. Meaning I will have been out of the work force for about 10 years.

I’m desperately trying to hold on to the last days of babyhood of Caleigh, and the childhoods of each of my children but that alone seems like a monumental task.

I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize the person looking back at me anymore. Who is this bitter older woman? Who has heavy dark circles under her eyes from the long nights of insomnia and childhood nightmares?

In high school I had planned to pack up and move to another country, make my way across Europe and settle in some where between Austria and Italy. To be a photojournalist and make cutting edge documentary.

16 years later:

I’ve been married for 15 years

I have 4 kids

I’ve had 4 miscarriages

I’ve accomplished nothing I had set out to do.

And yes I love my children more than life itself I do know one day they will grow up and move away. Then there will be only myself and my husband. And yes I complain about the messes but I think it’s my brain trying to comfort my soul because it knows what’s coming.

Today I got to remember that their days of fitting in my lap for cuddles are numbered.

I did get out and freeze a few moments in time today. I know this is far from a perfect portrait but it captures the essence of childhood and the freedom it offers. No worries, nothing major to fear and if there is something mommy or daddy will Chase it far away ❤️