We live in a pine colored split level house with faux white storm shutters;Exposed building blocks where we need to apply some stone veneers. With an addition to the basement that will some day be a bedroom, maybe.
A poplar grove has pretty much taking back over the back yard, so much so you can’t see the house from the road as you ride up. The grass is thigh-high because our riding mower took a shit and still hasn’t been fixed. I can’t push mow the field all summer.
Cars parked neatly in a row with an array of child outdoor toys strewn between the parking area and the porch. With a few stray candy wrappers and water bottles. The front lawn needs mowed.
I can track the season by how the sun light comes through the kitchen windows in the morning. Fall is fast approaching, and that odd sense of panic has overtaken me. With each changing season I feel this insidious anxiety. Not entirely sure why but I’m sure it has something to do with lost moments.
Every morning it’s one of the same breakfasts that rotate, it’s school work then chores. Before I really have time to catch my breath it’s time for dinner and baths. I know they say to treasure everything but the monotony of day to day life is both underwhelming and overwhelming.
The noise is constant until it’s not. There is always a trash bag to be changed out, laundry to be swapped over, or some other mundane task that has became my life.
I want to go and do but the anxiety of messing up my budget keeps me in a strangle hold. In reality it would cost me more money than I made to go to work right now. So I have another 3 years before I can even consider returning to the work force. I’ll be 37. Meaning I will have been out of the work force for about 10 years.
I’m desperately trying to hold on to the last days of babyhood of Caleigh, and the childhoods of each of my children but that alone seems like a monumental task.
I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize the person looking back at me anymore. Who is this bitter older woman? Who has heavy dark circles under her eyes from the long nights of insomnia and childhood nightmares?
In high school I had planned to pack up and move to another country, make my way across Europe and settle in some where between Austria and Italy. To be a photojournalist and make cutting edge documentary.
16 years later:
I’ve been married for 15 years
I have 4 kids
I’ve had 4 miscarriages
I’ve accomplished nothing I had set out to do.
And yes I love my children more than life itself I do know one day they will grow up and move away. Then there will be only myself and my husband. And yes I complain about the messes but I think it’s my brain trying to comfort my soul because it knows what’s coming.